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I feel the need to write. I’ve had this feeling for awhile now and what better way then to write a blog entry, right? Well that wasn’t really my first choice. My first choice was going to my geek site and posting on roleplays. (Yes, I’m a geek and really I think the only people who read this already know but if you didn’t, you do know) Unfortunately, none of the current threads I’m on are active. Everyone is offline. That was a bust. I thought about writing my story that I got going on but I never know how to start a story and I have a big problem going back and just changing a few things. I feel I just need to start all over. Plus, I would like to read a bit more on angels. I don’t want to get everything wrong when I write my story. Although, I’m using non-traditional angels so that really shouldn’t be a problem. I still want to read those though. I think I’m just generally curioius.

My birthday is almost here! I’ll be twenty. No longer a teenager offically. I’ll actually be a full adult. That’s a bit scary. I don’t think I’ll have too many problems though. I’m excited for my birthday. Nothing special every really happens but I do like spending the time with my family, going out to eat and then having desert after. I really like sitting down and talking with my parents and my older brother, Kyle, who I never really see anymore. Also I love talking to my grandparents who are always there. Okay, I might like the presents too. Who doesn’t? But it really doesn’t matter. I’m not very picky with what I get. This makes my friends a bit upset. I often get them upset with me because I don’t give them ideas. Ashley really is the only one who has asked this year. I thought I gave her a pretty good idea. I really want the Boondock Saints movies this year just so I can watch the first one again and then see the second one for the first time. I loved the first one. It was awesome. It also helps that the two main guys are hot.

I can’t wait till the kegs opens. I want to be done with Dairy Queen by then. Hopefully I’ll get a second job too. That way I’ll be rolling in money! I hate being broke. It scares me a lot. Especially when I hear my parent’s talk about the money troubles they are going through. I get stressed out. I hope that I would be able to quit DQ once the Kegs opens but I’m not sure if I could get enough hours to do it. Unless I just didn’t spend any money with all the money I get. That would suck though.

I’ve really missed writing. I miss writing stories and creating ideas with other people. (hint- why I like roleplays so much) I wish I could just sit down and write but then there is a problem of what do I write about. That is what stops me half the time. Maybe I should just have days of free write and write whatever comes in my head. I don’t know if I have enough free time by myself to do that though.

So far for my plans of branching out and being more socail…Things are not going so well. I kinda talked when I went with a few people to the final five. Not much though. I was pretty silent. I hate that I’m this way. Why can’t it be easier to talk to people? Why do I feel like a little kid around a lot of people? Gah! Why do I ask all these questions when I know I’m not going to get an answer form anyone, at least not right now?

Love songs suck! Random. I know. One just came on and I didn’t like it. I don’t really like it when I get in my moods where I don’t like love songs. The majority of my ipod consists of them. That really sucks. And it’s not like I have something against all love songs. I really do like them. Moods are stupid. I guess I really only say that about moods that i don’t like.  A lot of people do that all the time with everything though so I guess it’s just something people do.

Anyway, I’ve started to ramble so I’m going to stop.

I’m changing my password…

Okay, no more messing around! I’m going to do what I’ve promised myself for months, possibly years, now. I am going to put myself out there. I’m going to meet new people and talk to others I don’t know. I’m going to call up people and hang out with them. I’m going to not be as shy as I have been in the past. I’m going to go through life acting as if I don’t care what others think. (I can only act because the truth of the matter is that I do care.) I’m going to do this. I may even find out where I could talk to a therapist that wouldn’t cost me a ton of money. That would be good if I could talk out my feelings. My only problem sometimes is that I don’t talk about my bad feelings of low self-esteem unless I’m in that mood. If I’m happy and having a good day I don’t like talking about it because I feel like that part of me is gone and that it won’t come back. Truth is, it does come back.

I hope this works. I’m really trying. Maybe not trying as hard as I could be. I want to be trying as hard as I could be. I’m not going to put in any buts in this blog. No excuses for me. I’m not going to try and let myself off by giving a lame excuse that I can’t do it. I can do it and I will. Ashley is allowed to kick my butt if I don’t. I need time though. Don’t expect this to happen overnight. It will take time. My goal is that I will be a lot better by next year.

THIS WILL WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s all I have to say about that!