Ok, serioiusly. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of feeling this way. I’ve never felt this way before. Why does it have to be here, now? I’ve never actually been the type of person to curse Valentines Day. I usually take it just fine, getting candy from my parents and just doing whatever. It wasn’t really that big of a deal. It was just another day to me. To my friends who had boyfriends/girlfriends to spend it with, it was a big day or whatever but I never thought about that. Now I am! Why? I don’t want to think about the fact that I have never had a date on Valentines Day. I don’t want to think about the fact that I’ve never had an actual boyfriend. I want things to be back to the way they used to be. Do you know when that was? Four years ago. My Junior year of High School. I was completely fine. I never really got crushes on guys too much and so I never thought about any of this stuff. I think I know what happened. I don’t want to blame this event on it though. I want to be over it. Especially since the people involved have talked about how I should get over it… behind my back but whatever.

I crushed on a good friend of mine. I tried to ignore it but how can you ignore it when the person you crush on returns the feelings. It makes you happy. You feel amazing. We had agreed to see each other. That didn’t last long at all. We never really did anything. It only lasted a week, in which we only saw each other in school. That was it. One day we were passing notes to each other and we both liked other people. I was confused with my feelings. I knew I liked this guy but I also knew that I liked this other guy. I had no idea who I liked more. He liked this other girl a bit and we just decided not to see each other…that way at least.

Everything is fine still. Nothing happened with my crush, (and nothing still has :( ) Anyway my friend had started dating this girl he liked but she turned out to be a complete bitch. She bossed him around and got mad at him anytime he did something she didn’t agree with. She would fake fainting or collapsing to get attention. It was a mess. That summer my friend had been gone for a few months going around the country to various family memebers. When he finally came back it was great. The minute I hugged him I knew that I still had pretty strong feelings for him. It was out on my best friends balcony that I found out that he had broken up with his girlfriend. There was a big sleep over that night. He and I stayed up later than everyone else and just talked. I told him that I would be there for him and help him because, even though the girl was a bitch, he looked pretty broken up over it.

A few weeks later my friend told me that he still had some feelings for me. I was, needless to say, really excited about this. He told me he would like to try things out with me again if it was alright with me but he wanted to wait a bit since his break up was so fresh. We hung out together quite a bit after that. He would hold my hand underneath some blankets when we were watching a movie. Sometimes we would cuddle with each other. (Before everything happened we were cuddle buddies) He started to tell me that it wasn’t an ‘if’ we were going to be together, it was a ‘when’. I was getting excited.

Homecoming of my senior year came along. I really wanted my friend to ask me. It would be nice to have an actual date to a dance. I never had before. One day my friend came up to me and told me that there was a girl in his theatre class and he thought that he liked her and he really wanted to ask her to homecoming but if I wanted him to ask me then he just wouldn’t ask anyone at all. Still in shock from this news I told him I didn’t care and that he could ask whoever the hell he wanted.

I don’t know how many nights I laid in my bed crying. It was horrible. I had never felt anything like this. I finally understood what people meant when they said heart wrenching. I hated seeing him after that. He avoided me. I knew he would. My best friend stood up for me. She told the guy off. It was tough. We were all close friends. I felt bad that ties were severed and they were like that for a long time. He didn’t hang out with us for a long time. I went to Homecoming. It was tough. Stupid songs had to come on and make me cry. (("Teardrops on My Guitar" by Taylor Swift)) I made it through that though.

I don’t know how long I was hurt by that. It seemed like every time I saw the guy that it would just all come back. My mom didn’t know any of this and it was hard to hide the crying from her. One day it was just her and me watching tv. I felt tears start to form in my eyes. My mom shut the tv off right away and asked me what was wrong. There was no fooling her that nothing was wrong because the tears had started to fall. I told her everything. It felt so good that my mom knew everything. She hugged me and it felt nice to feel the comfort from my mom. I got through that time with the help of my mom and my friends.

It took awhile. A long while for my friend to re-enter my life. I tried to get him to enter it sooner than her did. I invited him to my graduation party but he didn’t come. He didn’t even take the invitation I gave him with him. I was sad about that. He was an amazing friend and I missed being able to talk to him again. I’m not sure how it really happened but we all became friends with this guy again. Apologizes were given and we could all move on again.

Unfortunately, my feelings never went away for this guy. I still had a crush on him even though I knew he didn’t feel the same towards me. I found out one night that he liked one of my best friends. I also found out that she also liked him. My number one best friend didn’t think it was a good idea. She even told off our best friend that she shouldn’t go out with the guy. I said it was alright. I said I was fine with it. I knew I wanted to be fine with it. I wasn’t. I knew that when I saw the two of them together. It hurt. I hated that it hurt. I didn’t like it at all. I masked that from the two of them.

Well things happen, I don’t see much of the two because they were still in high school and I was off in college. Found out that the two broke up and now my one good friend says that she hates him. I can’t hate this guy. He’s too much of a good friend. He’s always been there for me. ((Except in that one time mentioned above)). I just have to accept that he is just my friend.

I was fine with that. I knew I still crushed on the guy. I couldn’t help it. I tried not to think about it. I knew I wasn’t going to do anything about it anyway. Found out from my best friend something I didn’t like. They were playing Guitar Hero and he asked if I was over him. My best friend didn’t say anything and he sighed. He said that I really needed to get over him. "It has been how long?" Hearing that I wanted to punch the guy in the face. I knew I hadn’t gotten over him but that didn’t mean that he had to go and say it out loud to my best friend. I really want to be over this guy. I think I am for the most part. At least, I hope so. If I’m not I will try my hardest to finally get over him.

So I think this little experience of mine is why I feel this way. I always use to make fun of girls I would see on tv or read about in books who would obsess over guys and cry about how they didn’t have the guy they wanted. It was stupid. No one should need a guy to make them feel good or complete. ………. I really hate putting this in writing out here where everyone can see it. I feel so ashamed of myself that I feel like crying some more. I have become one of those girls and I HATE IT!! I don’t want that. I want to go back to feeling the way I did.

I keep thinking about this Valentines Day and what I’m going to do. I don’t want to be at home doing nothing. I also really don’t want to work that day. (DQ’s just a bitch) My best friend is more than likely going to be out with this guy she is dating. That’s been hard. My best friend, the only person I really hang out with, has been going out with a guy and she is really happy. I’m really happy for her. It makes me smile when she talks about it because she is so bubbly. I can’t help thinking every time though that I have no one. That I have no one who likes me. I’m told to put myself out there and ask these guys I crush on out. I can’t do that. I get so nervous doing crap like that. The fear of rejection just gets to me. I want to say it’s easy for my best friend because the guy she is dating basically has been asking her to hang out all the time. Sure she was the one who had to ask about the first date, (them going to a movie) but that was after many times going over to his house as friends and just getting closer. I would love for a guy to invite me places. I suck at inviting guys to do stuff so it would be so much easier for them to do it.

Typing this out has really helped. I know talking to my best friend helps but sometimes I know she gets frusterated with me because I talk about this problem a lot! ((something I really hate!!)) Talking to my mom helps a ton. I love that I can share anything with her now. I used to not tell her anything. Now I tell her everything. It really helps out. I already feel so much better. I started this blog out crying and now I look back and think that I’m an idiot (This happens a lot. I will freak out over something and then look back and realize that my freak out was totally unnecessary) I must remember to do this a whole lot more. Thank you for putting up with my crazy little freak out. Even if you get disgusted, or bored with this, it really helped. Thank you!!