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I really hate this feeling!!!!!! I really want to text this guy and I know I shouldn’t. I don’t like the guy and I know no good will come from talking to him. I’m glad he is out of my contact list. Why do I want to text him? Why do I want to hang out with him? I don’t like what happens. I know I don’t. Maybe at the time I do but not after that. I always seem to want to text him when I feel alone. When I feel like there is no one else. It’s a horrible feeling. I hate that I want to text him. I hate that I want to hang out with him. I know I’m repeating myself but I can’t think straight. Nothing in my head is making any sense to me. I know I have problems and I know I probably should talk to someone about it but I can’t. At least not the way Ashley thinks I should. I can’t explain it. I feel like I’m being left behind by everyone. I can’t explain that either. Everyone around me seems to be maturing and I’m staying the same. I feel like nothing has changed about me since freshman year of high school. I wish I had someone to hold me in their arms right now. To tell me everything will be alright. But that is not the case. I’m sorry for bringing anyone down who may read this. I just don’t know what else to do. Writing makes me feel better when the world around me seems to be falling apart.

I feel the need to write. I’ve had this feeling for awhile now and what better way then to write a blog entry, right? Well that wasn’t really my first choice. My first choice was going to my geek site and posting on roleplays. (Yes, I’m a geek and really I think the only people who read this already know but if you didn’t, you do know) Unfortunately, none of the current threads I’m on are active. Everyone is offline. That was a bust. I thought about writing my story that I got going on but I never know how to start a story and I have a big problem going back and just changing a few things. I feel I just need to start all over. Plus, I would like to read a bit more on angels. I don’t want to get everything wrong when I write my story. Although, I’m using non-traditional angels so that really shouldn’t be a problem. I still want to read those though. I think I’m just generally curioius.

My birthday is almost here! I’ll be twenty. No longer a teenager offically. I’ll actually be a full adult. That’s a bit scary. I don’t think I’ll have too many problems though. I’m excited for my birthday. Nothing special every really happens but I do like spending the time with my family, going out to eat and then having desert after. I really like sitting down and talking with my parents and my older brother, Kyle, who I never really see anymore. Also I love talking to my grandparents who are always there. Okay, I might like the presents too. Who doesn’t? But it really doesn’t matter. I’m not very picky with what I get. This makes my friends a bit upset. I often get them upset with me because I don’t give them ideas. Ashley really is the only one who has asked this year. I thought I gave her a pretty good idea. I really want the Boondock Saints movies this year just so I can watch the first one again and then see the second one for the first time. I loved the first one. It was awesome. It also helps that the two main guys are hot.

I can’t wait till the kegs opens. I want to be done with Dairy Queen by then. Hopefully I’ll get a second job too. That way I’ll be rolling in money! I hate being broke. It scares me a lot. Especially when I hear my parent’s talk about the money troubles they are going through. I get stressed out. I hope that I would be able to quit DQ once the Kegs opens but I’m not sure if I could get enough hours to do it. Unless I just didn’t spend any money with all the money I get. That would suck though.

I’ve really missed writing. I miss writing stories and creating ideas with other people. (hint- why I like roleplays so much) I wish I could just sit down and write but then there is a problem of what do I write about. That is what stops me half the time. Maybe I should just have days of free write and write whatever comes in my head. I don’t know if I have enough free time by myself to do that though.

So far for my plans of branching out and being more socail…Things are not going so well. I kinda talked when I went with a few people to the final five. Not much though. I was pretty silent. I hate that I’m this way. Why can’t it be easier to talk to people? Why do I feel like a little kid around a lot of people? Gah! Why do I ask all these questions when I know I’m not going to get an answer form anyone, at least not right now?

Love songs suck! Random. I know. One just came on and I didn’t like it. I don’t really like it when I get in my moods where I don’t like love songs. The majority of my ipod consists of them. That really sucks. And it’s not like I have something against all love songs. I really do like them. Moods are stupid. I guess I really only say that about moods that i don’t like.  A lot of people do that all the time with everything though so I guess it’s just something people do.

Anyway, I’ve started to ramble so I’m going to stop.

I’m changing my password…

Okay, no more messing around! I’m going to do what I’ve promised myself for months, possibly years, now. I am going to put myself out there. I’m going to meet new people and talk to others I don’t know. I’m going to call up people and hang out with them. I’m going to not be as shy as I have been in the past. I’m going to go through life acting as if I don’t care what others think. (I can only act because the truth of the matter is that I do care.) I’m going to do this. I may even find out where I could talk to a therapist that wouldn’t cost me a ton of money. That would be good if I could talk out my feelings. My only problem sometimes is that I don’t talk about my bad feelings of low self-esteem unless I’m in that mood. If I’m happy and having a good day I don’t like talking about it because I feel like that part of me is gone and that it won’t come back. Truth is, it does come back.

I hope this works. I’m really trying. Maybe not trying as hard as I could be. I want to be trying as hard as I could be. I’m not going to put in any buts in this blog. No excuses for me. I’m not going to try and let myself off by giving a lame excuse that I can’t do it. I can do it and I will. Ashley is allowed to kick my butt if I don’t. I need time though. Don’t expect this to happen overnight. It will take time. My goal is that I will be a lot better by next year.

THIS WILL WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s all I have to say about that!

I finally broke the cycle of not going to class! Whoo hoo! I went to class and totally failed my midterm exam. It was the first time ever taking a test and completly blanking out. I couldn’t think of anything. I ended up leaving most of it blank. I panicked. I couldn’t wait to get out of class fast enough. It was horrible and I never want to go through that again. By going to class I can avoid that.

This is going to be a short blog, I can already tell. I have not much more to talk about. I think Saturday is going to be pretty boring. I want to do something. I need to have a change of scenery. I like my apartment and my mom’s house but they are just way too familiar at the moment. I just want to be out and about. Unfortunately, my best friend will be out of town and my other roommate works all day. I’m trying to think of other people to call up but I really don’t hang out with anyone else. Maybe I’ll call up Kayla. Not sure.

This brings up something else. For spring break I want to get out of Grand Forks. I have no idea where I would go. I don’t think I will have the money to go anywhere but I just need to get out of town. Spring break is when people usually do stuff like that. I have to talk to others and see if they would be up for a trip. Don’t think it will happen but who knows.

So I promised Ashley that together we would make sure to write in our blogs at least twice a week. That was last week and if you haven’t noticed I have only posted once and it was pretty pathetic. It wasn’t even a blog. I think my problem with writing here is that I think I need some good subject to write about. I don’t want to write just nonsense. I want their to be a purpose to my writing. I know that I could blog about nothing though. Writing is fun and I don’t do it nearly as often as I’d like. I’m determined to keep this promise to Ashley.

I think today I’m going to talk about the movie Legion. I went to see it last week with my two good friends Kayla, and Ashley. Kailin was going to come with but she went to a different movie with Billy. (When In Rome – a movie I would like to see at some point). I thought Legion was a good movie. It was a little strange at some parts but I really liked it. At the end of the movie, Kayla, Ashley, and I decided that the first part of the movie played out like horror and the second part was cheesy. I really enjoyed it though. Getting to watch a fight between Gabriel and Michael, the only two angels named in the bible, was pretty epic.

The movie made me think a lot about a story that I have been wanting to write for awhile now. It’s about angels but it plays them off differently then what you would think angels would be like. Legion did some of that too. It’s mostly about Guardian Angels and the simple fact that a small event in your life can change everything. Kind of going off of the Butterfly Effect. I really want to start writing that now. Hopefully this summer I might get a chance to write. I can’t really think about starting a story now with school and work. I need to crack down on my homework so I don’t fail out of college.

Don’t really know what else to write about at the moment. Maybe something fun will happen soon that I can write about.

I’m sorry. I wanted to blog but I just can’t at the moment. I feel a mixutre of upset and confusion. Maybe tomorrow…

Ok, serioiusly. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of feeling this way. I’ve never felt this way before. Why does it have to be here, now? I’ve never actually been the type of person to curse Valentines Day. I usually take it just fine, getting candy from my parents and just doing whatever. It wasn’t really that big of a deal. It was just another day to me. To my friends who had boyfriends/girlfriends to spend it with, it was a big day or whatever but I never thought about that. Now I am! Why? I don’t want to think about the fact that I have never had a date on Valentines Day. I don’t want to think about the fact that I’ve never had an actual boyfriend. I want things to be back to the way they used to be. Do you know when that was? Four years ago. My Junior year of High School. I was completely fine. I never really got crushes on guys too much and so I never thought about any of this stuff. I think I know what happened. I don’t want to blame this event on it though. I want to be over it. Especially since the people involved have talked about how I should get over it… behind my back but whatever.

I crushed on a good friend of mine. I tried to ignore it but how can you ignore it when the person you crush on returns the feelings. It makes you happy. You feel amazing. We had agreed to see each other. That didn’t last long at all. We never really did anything. It only lasted a week, in which we only saw each other in school. That was it. One day we were passing notes to each other and we both liked other people. I was confused with my feelings. I knew I liked this guy but I also knew that I liked this other guy. I had no idea who I liked more. He liked this other girl a bit and we just decided not to see each other…that way at least.

Everything is fine still. Nothing happened with my crush, (and nothing still has ) Anyway my friend had started dating this girl he liked but she turned out to be a complete bitch. She bossed him around and got mad at him anytime he did something she didn’t agree with. She would fake fainting or collapsing to get attention. It was a mess. That summer my friend had been gone for a few months going around the country to various family memebers. When he finally came back it was great. The minute I hugged him I knew that I still had pretty strong feelings for him. It was out on my best friends balcony that I found out that he had broken up with his girlfriend. There was a big sleep over that night. He and I stayed up later than everyone else and just talked. I told him that I would be there for him and help him because, even though the girl was a bitch, he looked pretty broken up over it.

A few weeks later my friend told me that he still had some feelings for me. I was, needless to say, really excited about this. He told me he would like to try things out with me again if it was alright with me but he wanted to wait a bit since his break up was so fresh. We hung out together quite a bit after that. He would hold my hand underneath some blankets when we were watching a movie. Sometimes we would cuddle with each other. (Before everything happened we were cuddle buddies) He started to tell me that it wasn’t an ‘if’ we were going to be together, it was a ‘when’. I was getting excited.

Homecoming of my senior year came along. I really wanted my friend to ask me. It would be nice to have an actual date to a dance. I never had before. One day my friend came up to me and told me that there was a girl in his theatre class and he thought that he liked her and he really wanted to ask her to homecoming but if I wanted him to ask me then he just wouldn’t ask anyone at all. Still in shock from this news I told him I didn’t care and that he could ask whoever the hell he wanted.

I don’t know how many nights I laid in my bed crying. It was horrible. I had never felt anything like this. I finally understood what people meant when they said heart wrenching. I hated seeing him after that. He avoided me. I knew he would. My best friend stood up for me. She told the guy off. It was tough. We were all close friends. I felt bad that ties were severed and they were like that for a long time. He didn’t hang out with us for a long time. I went to Homecoming. It was tough. Stupid songs had to come on and make me cry. (("Teardrops on My Guitar" by Taylor Swift)) I made it through that though.

I don’t know how long I was hurt by that. It seemed like every time I saw the guy that it would just all come back. My mom didn’t know any of this and it was hard to hide the crying from her. One day it was just her and me watching tv. I felt tears start to form in my eyes. My mom shut the tv off right away and asked me what was wrong. There was no fooling her that nothing was wrong because the tears had started to fall. I told her everything. It felt so good that my mom knew everything. She hugged me and it felt nice to feel the comfort from my mom. I got through that time with the help of my mom and my friends.

It took awhile. A long while for my friend to re-enter my life. I tried to get him to enter it sooner than her did. I invited him to my graduation party but he didn’t come. He didn’t even take the invitation I gave him with him. I was sad about that. He was an amazing friend and I missed being able to talk to him again. I’m not sure how it really happened but we all became friends with this guy again. Apologizes were given and we could all move on again.

Unfortunately, my feelings never went away for this guy. I still had a crush on him even though I knew he didn’t feel the same towards me. I found out one night that he liked one of my best friends. I also found out that she also liked him. My number one best friend didn’t think it was a good idea. She even told off our best friend that she shouldn’t go out with the guy. I said it was alright. I said I was fine with it. I knew I wanted to be fine with it. I wasn’t. I knew that when I saw the two of them together. It hurt. I hated that it hurt. I didn’t like it at all. I masked that from the two of them.

Well things happen, I don’t see much of the two because they were still in high school and I was off in college. Found out that the two broke up and now my one good friend says that she hates him. I can’t hate this guy. He’s too much of a good friend. He’s always been there for me. ((Except in that one time mentioned above)). I just have to accept that he is just my friend.

I was fine with that. I knew I still crushed on the guy. I couldn’t help it. I tried not to think about it. I knew I wasn’t going to do anything about it anyway. Found out from my best friend something I didn’t like. They were playing Guitar Hero and he asked if I was over him. My best friend didn’t say anything and he sighed. He said that I really needed to get over him. "It has been how long?" Hearing that I wanted to punch the guy in the face. I knew I hadn’t gotten over him but that didn’t mean that he had to go and say it out loud to my best friend. I really want to be over this guy. I think I am for the most part. At least, I hope so. If I’m not I will try my hardest to finally get over him.

So I think this little experience of mine is why I feel this way. I always use to make fun of girls I would see on tv or read about in books who would obsess over guys and cry about how they didn’t have the guy they wanted. It was stupid. No one should need a guy to make them feel good or complete. ………. I really hate putting this in writing out here where everyone can see it. I feel so ashamed of myself that I feel like crying some more. I have become one of those girls and I HATE IT!! I don’t want that. I want to go back to feeling the way I did.

I keep thinking about this Valentines Day and what I’m going to do. I don’t want to be at home doing nothing. I also really don’t want to work that day. (DQ’s just a bitch) My best friend is more than likely going to be out with this guy she is dating. That’s been hard. My best friend, the only person I really hang out with, has been going out with a guy and she is really happy. I’m really happy for her. It makes me smile when she talks about it because she is so bubbly. I can’t help thinking every time though that I have no one. That I have no one who likes me. I’m told to put myself out there and ask these guys I crush on out. I can’t do that. I get so nervous doing crap like that. The fear of rejection just gets to me. I want to say it’s easy for my best friend because the guy she is dating basically has been asking her to hang out all the time. Sure she was the one who had to ask about the first date, (them going to a movie) but that was after many times going over to his house as friends and just getting closer. I would love for a guy to invite me places. I suck at inviting guys to do stuff so it would be so much easier for them to do it.

Typing this out has really helped. I know talking to my best friend helps but sometimes I know she gets frusterated with me because I talk about this problem a lot! ((something I really hate!!)) Talking to my mom helps a ton. I love that I can share anything with her now. I used to not tell her anything. Now I tell her everything. It really helps out. I already feel so much better. I started this blog out crying and now I look back and think that I’m an idiot (This happens a lot. I will freak out over something and then look back and realize that my freak out was totally unnecessary) I must remember to do this a whole lot more. Thank you for putting up with my crazy little freak out. Even if you get disgusted, or bored with this, it really helped. Thank you!!

So I’m having troubles focusing on my assignment. It shouldn’t be this hard. It’s an essay about analyzing characters. I should be good at this stuff. I create characters all the time and then go back and analyze them. Why does this have to be so difficult? I know I won’t go to class if I don’t finish my assignment and I made a promise to myself that I would go to all my classes this week. I haven’t been going to a few of my classes and I know that will screw me over in the long run. I need to go to class. I’m going to focus!!! I just wish I wasn’t feeling sick like this. I used being sick as my excuse to not go to class this last week but now I’m actually sick. Stupid fate, Karma, crap! Well, instead of wasting my time on here I’m going to focus on my assignment.